Conflict – the word alone is loaded, let alone the affect that conflict can have on our work and personal lives. For some, it is a lead weight squashing the joy out of us; a ticking bomb, making our heart race and our cortisol levels soar. For others, it creates anger and a desire to rush into combat and win.

Whether we lean in to or avoid difficult conversations, they have a considerable impact – physically, emotionally, on our careers and our relationships.

In our recent workshop on Embracing Conflict, a group of bright, talented, inspiring women shared the impact that conflict had on them. Without fail, all sought to avoid it at all costs. Their learning – this strategy had its own costs.  Avoiding challenging feedback to a disruptive direct report belittled their leadership skills and created discontent among the team; picking up tasks dropped by another team member in pursuit of harmony created exhaustion and resentment.

The neuroscience of conflict tells us that we are wired to deal with it in ways that were essential when we risked being eating alive by lions, but are unhelpful in today’s home and workplace situations. As social beings, we are also wired to be in relationships with others. No wonder having difficult conversations can feel daunting! While tempting to avoid conflict to preserve relationships, it can, over time, have the opposite effect – damaging them and costing us.

What if there was a gift in conflict? What if we reframed it as an enabler for change  – in a project, in a relationship, in a team? When I was Director of Innovation, many of our biggest breakthroughs came from conflict. As a leader, sourcing the courage to have those difficult conversations has resulted in stronger and more authentic partnerships. In my family life, the stakes are irrevocably higher but taking this belief home has released me to be bolder and more balanced in resolving issues – some of the time anyway!

Viewing difficult conversations as opportunities for growth creates a powerful mind shift for individuals when they have the tools and experience to hand.

Challenging – yes. Rewarding – definitely! Enough from me – what did our participants say?